


Spiders and Charmings

by Trinadecker



Series: Once Upon a Crackfest [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-18 00:23:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1408105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trinadecker/pseuds/Trinadecker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Probably the crackiest thing I have ever written. In which the Charmings connect their TV to our world, Regina sees herself in Spiders, Emma likes Regina's boobs, and Mary Margaret freaks out about porn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spiders and Charmings

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't even know what this is. This started as something to write during a word war for nanowrimo. I was in the middle of watching Spiders, and, well, this happened. Apologies in advance.

“What the hell is that?” Regina choked out, the surprise evident in her voice as she stared at the tv screen. Specifically what was on the screen: her.

Emma smiled up from her position on the couch, even as Regina glared at her. “I really don’t know, but you’re in it.” 

“Somehow we’ve connected to the television feed from another universe or something. Apparently, we’re a TV show too,” David explained. “It’s called Once Upon A Time. This is some other movie that we found. It has your actress in it.” 

Regina stared, open mouthed, as a very young, very squeaky version of herself kicked an oversized spider back into the elevator shaft that she had just crawled out of. The special effects were laughable, hence Emma’s barely stifled giggles, but Regina was too shocked by the image of herself on the TV to find it funny. 

“Those curls suit you, Regina. Did you ever wear your hair that way as a girl?” Snow asked from the corner. “You never did when I was with you. I would remember that.” 

“You’ve connected to the television from another universe in which our world is a tv show and all you have to say is that you like my hair curly?” Regina managed, but the venom wasn’t behind it. She had to admit, those curls did look good. 

“I think my favorite part was you ripping your way out of your shirt.” Emma piped up. 

“Excuse me?!” 

“Oh, did you miss that part?” Emma turned to glance at her before grasping for the remote. “I can rewind it if you want.” She rolled her eyes at the look on Regina’s face. “Don’t worry, you’ve still got a tank top on. You ripped the top over it. I don’t think you’re wearing a bra, though.” She tilted her head as she turned her attention back to the screen. 

The girl in the movie was now curled up against the wall in a dramatic scene in which she heard the echoing voices of her dead friends telling her the whole thing was a bad idea in the first place. It was ridiculous, but Regina was thankful that the position kept her chest covered. Her stepdaughter, her stepdaughter’s husband, and her step granddaughter slash hot co-mom seeing her braless was the last thing that she needed. 

Okay, the hot co-mom could see her braless. Just not in front of her parents. 

The music rose and the girl--Marci was her name, apparently--seemed to make a decision. She rushed off screen, and Emma made a small noise of victory. “See, I told you! No bra!” 

“What? How can you tell? You could barely see her chest!” Regina cried. The character had ducked out of view in a way that her chest remained hidden, and now the movie’s focus had switched to two soldiers. 

“I am the master of boobs. I can always tell when someone’s not wearing a bra.” Emma was eyeing her chest now, and Regina crossed her arms. 

“Boob master?” Snow yelled, sounding panicked. “Emma, have you been watching porn again?!” 

“Again?!” David cried. “What do you mean again? Emma!” 

“Oh my god.” Emma pulled a pillow over her face. “I am a grown woman! I can watch porn if I want to!” 

“No you cannot!” Snow looked on the verge of tears. “David, tell her she can’t watch porn!” 

“You can’t watch porn!” 

Emma groaned into the pillow. “I am so not listening to this, especially not from you two.” 

Snow’s eyes went wide. “But...Regina, tell her she can’t watch porn!”

“What?! Why me?” 

“Because she won’t listen to us! And you’re her grandmother! Emma, listen to your elders!” 

“Jesus christ, she’s not actually related to me! You do know that, don’t you?” Emma whined, pulling the cushion away from her face. “Regina, make her stop.” 

“Again, I ask, why me?” 

Emma gave her a look. “Because you’re her stepmom, duh.” 

“Emma, she’s not really my step mom anymore!” 

“I thought you said to respect your elders!” 

“Both of you, shut up!” Regina cut in. Both women stopped talking and looked up at her. “I am not telling anyone to do anything. I really don’t give a damn if Emma watches porn. In fact, porn is lovely. Now, can we move on and discuss what the hell is happening over there?” She pointed a finger at the TV. “Because somehow my face is on there, and I find that a lot more interesting than your squabbling. Or my breasts!” She directed the last bit at Emma, who shrank in her seat. 

“It’s not my fault you look good without a bra!” The blonde exclaimed, at the same time as Snow said, “You watch porn too?!” 

“You can appreciate them later!” Regina snapped before turning her attention to Mary Margaret. “And you need to get over your fear of pornography!” 

“What do you mean she can appreciate them later? Emma, that’s incest!” Snow cried. David wrapped his arms protectively around her. 

“Oh for crying out loud! Regina and I are not related!” Emma threw the pillow in her mother’s direction, but instead it bounced off her father’s side and landed on the floor. “It’s not incest if we aren’t related!” 

“So you are together?” David asked, a lot more simply and calmly than his wife had. 

“No!” Emma and Regina spoke at once. 

“But I do like her boobs,” Emma added. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” With that, Regina stormed towards the door. “When you’re done discussing incest and my boobs, come find me so we can figure out the actual issue here!” 

“Are you going to watch porn?” Mary Margaret called after her.

“No, I am not going to watch porn!” 

“Wait for me!” Emma scrambled after her. 

“No!” Regina shut the door in the blonde’s face. That was the last time she was visiting the Charmings. 


End file.
